Misconceptions seriously

So I was just surfing youtube randomly this afternoon when I chanced upon this video of Steven Lim on a date with a fairly attractive girl. I later found out that she was (celebrity?) blogger Holly Jean. Hahaha! So anyway, in the show Steven Lim is given dating tips and is later put to an actual test where he dates a girl. And for people who have seen videos of Steven Lim, or have at least heard of him, you would have expected him to make an utter fool of himself. And indeed, he did. At some point of time, he actually showed his wallet AND notes to Holly Jean lolol! How is that attractive seriously. hmmmm.. Anyway, so I was kinda impressed with how she could take all that shit and not leave immediately. So I did some research and found her blog. Ended up reading the 'Love' section of her blog the entire afternoon and man can I really relate.

I mean I don't think it's good news that I relate to her because from the description of her lifestyle and her thoughts, most would probably classify such people as 'sluts' or 'skanks'... or to be more politically correct, more liberal I guess? She is not surprisingly, very frank wrt her views on relationships and men and stuff like that and well, I think it's very true. Not that I'm very experienced. Or that I see myself as her (I'm not calling myself hot or anything close to that, please don't be mistaken). But hahaha I think I'm kinda similar to her in some ways? hmmmm like her eventual ideals to find someone stable and charming whom she can spend the rest of her life with. Serial dating to find the right guy. Some critics make serial dating sound like a really bad idea but really, shouldn't a princess kiss a few frogs before she finds the (right) prince? hahahaha! I mean, what do you expect me to do? Sit around and wait for some guy to come by and sweep me off my feet without me actually doing anything? Tried that. kinda failed terribly.

Yea. I've recognised that I'm not really the approachable girl next door whom some guy can easily go up to and (confidently?) pursue. Apparently, I seem extremely stuck up (like wtf man. how am i stuck up you tell me) and high maintenance (eh please la! I probably eat at hawker centres more than a lot of you do. and I WALK from orchard to city hall. my clothes are like 4 dollar dresses from flea markets.). AND they think I'm damn ang moh pai:( BUT I SPEAK CHINESE AT HOME LEH. I got A2 for Higher Chinese somemore ok! mai siao siao). yea somehow, even my cousins have this impression that I only speak English/I am completely hopeless in Mandarin. So every time we have family gatherings, my cousins would engage in animated conversations in Chinese, and when I try to join in, one of them would have to 'painstakingly' translate everything into English for me. And despite me replying in Mandarin, they'd continue conversing with me in English. what is this man.

I'm not even lying. There was once when we had to write farewell cards to fellow Lignum OGLs and I received this card from a guy (who's currently dating my friend lol) who said something along the lines of  'Dear Chandel, I'm going to be real frank with you. When I first saw you, I thought you were some high-class girl that a guy like me shouldn't be dreaming of hanging around with! Well, I do still that that sometimes but it has decreased significantly after I got to know you better during walk-in practices.' hahaha although it was a really sweet message all in all, I was really perturbed by the first part. Was I really sending the wrong message to people out there?

Then there was this time some guy that I really liked last time was asked why he didn't like me back. APPARENTLY, his reply was 'oh she's too high maintenance'. oh how vague is that man. Even when joking, I always end up being labelled as the girl that's too hard to please because I'm too high maintenance. Really. When some guy was paired with me as a scandal for fun, he was like, 'ah she's too expensive. Can't afford to be her boyfriend. cannot la' WHAT IS THIS MAN. REJECTION TO MY FACE OVER A REASON THAT I DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE AND IS PROBABLY NOT EVEN TRUE:( very sad one leh:(

As for the suck in mandarin part, I don't think I should complain much. Because people say I look pan Asian. That's why they figured I couldn't speak Chinese well. I mean, it's a compliment (in my opinion) right? heh! the reaction I see on the faces of some when I tell them I speak Chinese/hold joss sticks. lolol.

And so yea, anyway, what I'm saying is that I don't really believe in sitting around and just letting it happen I guess (because it hasn't worked much on me), plus I think I'm more straightforward than wishy washy. since being indirect has also failed on me countless times. so yes, I have learnt. to get my point across, I will just make it known. but then again, I find myself being an ironic asshole most of the time. Once I get the attention of a guy, I stop being my usual straightforward out-to-get-what-i-want self. I lose all that initiative and rely too much on the other party to make the first move. and in most cases, he fails to do so. and I get upset and tell myself to learn from my mistakes.. and basically, it just becomes a vicious cycle.

Anyway, so as confusing as his gestures get, it's been decided that we remain the status quo since nothing can progress with current circumstances. but i'm worried. worried that its all for another reason all in all, and that I do not matter as much as the other reason(I hope its just unfounded concerns).

how are we gonna say goodbye? what's gonna happen in december, then? so many questions that I don't want answers to.