K I know the movie's supposed to be just plain retarded and hilarious in a Hangover series fashion, seeing to how Bridesmaids has the same producer or smth like that according to Jeevan. But you know, I think I'm the first person who's ever cried in Bridesmaids. Not because I was touched or anything. hell no it wasn't touching. I just related so much to Annie. Yea the failgirl lead. Well at least she was damn fail when I was most devastated during the movie. She let go of a really awesome guy, got kicked out of her apartment by her room mate and his sister who free loads wtf. And she lost her friends, her business, didn't have money to pay the bills etc. I think all she thought she had left was herself and probably her mum. Man it was so bad because I could just picture myself ending up like that if I don't get my shit together.
Idk but somehow I feel like its just not in my personality to reach out to people, willingly or not. Even with super close friends I saw as soul mates and stuff, idk. its just not in me to start conversations, reconnect etc. I often see myself as someone who attaches herself to a system, rather than an individual who starts a system. Like its because I started school in NJ that I had this group of friends. And when NJ ended, if not for the few friends who continue to make the effort to stay together for gatherings, I wouldn't have carried on with meeting up with them so regularly. I would have just let everything stay as it is and probably die off. And then I get so upset about how uni and NS (then) destroyed my friendships and how I hated moving on because I was forced out of my comfort zone all of a sudden. I got upset when a friend I regarded so highly and importantly upon and whom I saw as my pillar of support addressed someone else as her 'best friend'. I was upset when a close friend stopped talking to me because I pulled out from a gathering in Europe we had planned because I didn't have enough money and had to choose a cheaper option. but I guess it was my fault for failing to explain my financial difficulties to her properly. My pride and failure to communicate got to me I guess.
I feel I fail as a gf too. Having been practically single all my life (I am not counting past relationships because they're either long distance for the majority of our time together, or too short in terms of duration), I've always whined to myself and too close friends (actually not really. I just cry myself to sleep like a pathetic loser) that I'm the type of girl whom guys just befriend, take out to dinner, date etc. anything but get together with. I never really knew the reason why. So I always thought I was just a poor victim of this unfair game. Guys like me but we never get together. like wtf was wrong with me. Then a miracle happened and I met Jeevan. He's really everything I ever wished for. He's gentlemanly. He's funny. He puts me in first place, always lets me have my way. Holds my hand in public and never gets ashamed of it. He's proud of me. He shows me off to his friends and family. His mum likes me. Everything's perfect and he lets me win most of the time; he treats me like a princess. But everytime I think about how he treats me in comparison to how I am as a gf, I feel bad. I feel bad for letting him treat me like a princess and for behaving like a brat when I don't get my way. I feel as if I hurt him more than he loves me. And even though he always says things like 'I'm used to it' or 'but I love you'. I just feel horrible. Because what other guys have said about me actually came true. I am high maintenance. I never thought I would be like that as a gf. I guess its because nobody has ever treated me so well before, so I guess I became spoilt in the process. Whenever I look at myself in the mirror, I just don't see myself anymore. And this is obviously nobody else's problem but mine.
I will change because I'm afraid to lose him. I'm afraid to lose whatever I have now. If Jeevan can find the capacity to love me so much even after I'm such a bitch to him, I will make it worth it.
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