Back to Square One

Hey everybody!

So I'm back after MIA-ing for a considerable amount of time (again). People whom I have on FB would have already guessed that Jeevan and I have broken up. Ok actually, maybe not. I don't know. It's probably quite vague since now facebook does not openly announce when you change your relationship status (like from 'in a relationship' to 'single') and I did not really delete our couple photos (until yesterday when I merely hid those photos from public view). I guess this is kinda why an ex of mine actually texted and asked blatantly if anything was up between Jeevan and Me. 

But at that point of time, everything was still so raw and new. I could not accept the fact that I was all alone again and all lol. So I kinda ignored the message. Woah thank god he wasn't angry lor. Still agreed to come to my birthday party lol. But anyway, yes I'm single again haha. Don't know if this is a good thing or not. But one thing for sure, in retrospect, this experience really brought me to understand what I really wanted out of well, a relationship. So I guess, the title isn't so apt after all. I am not back to square one. In a way, I have grown as a person as well.

This past year has taught me that a relationship should not bring out the worst in you. For me, I think that happened. If you have read my previous few posts, you would have found that I constantly felt guilty for being a complete bitch to Jeevan. And sometimes, these things just happened out of the blue. Like any minor thing that didn't go right would send me blowing my top and Jeevan ends up bearing the brunt of my rage. I want to think that it is because he pampered me too much throughout our relationship. Like he would give in to my every whim. He even bought tampons for my roomie AHAHAHAH. But i choose to believe that it's because he's being a good friend to her heh. So anyway, after months of him giving in to me excessively, I got used to it and expected nothing less. I became the horrible gf that every guy feared. The kind that would throw tantrums on the street and would put you on a spot constantly. The kind that would not want to hang out with your friends because her hk dramas at home are more worth her time. Like duh. I think even mutual friends (of Jeevan and me) started seeing the difference in me and I will not be surprised if I became less popular among them. So you get the drift. I started to not be me anymore. Unfortunately. I mean it was a good gesture of Jeevan to treat me like a princess (at least I felt like one). But well, it became so unhealthy, and thats not hpw a happy relationship should be geared towards obviously. 

Eh but that being said, I hope I've turned back to being the original me (after 2 months of rehabilitation haha).

I'm slowly embracing my independence again and I really hope that my next boyfriend (come quick la please. I don't want to be left on the shelf forever omg) will enhance my independence la. Do you get what I mean? lol as in because with Jeevan, I became so overly dependent. Like since 90% of our time together was spent in Europe, mostly Switzerland. So I just depended on him to get around etc since this was his home afterall. He was The French speaker and The navigator. So when we first broke up, I felt so lost. I even contemplated not going back to school because I didn't know how I would go about living my life again in a foreign land (actually not so foreign la. I've been there since 2012-.-) I guess the good thing about this, though, is that I'll probably not see him again since he's graduating this Dec and going home or somewhere. 

Frankly, I think I'm still recovering (slowly but making progress. This process is something I will not even wish upon my deepest gravest enemy ahahah. But really, I don't think I want to relive it ever again). Don't even know if I still have faith in LDR since my previous 2 failed lol (I hope this has nothing to do with me being flighty since they left me and not the other way round:/) I'll most probably not date anyone from Les Roches anymore. Enough is enough. Plus having Jeevan was a really (convenient?) coincidence since his circumstances made it so that his dad resides in Singapore and he has a home here. So everything seemed to have been so perfect. 

I'll probably just take a hiatus till 2016 when I return to sg. Or if in these 2 months, somehow some magic happens, maybe maybe maybe I might get into something again? And hopefully by some miraculous stroke of luck it stays till 2016 when I come home for good?

I do not wish for anything. But if what I wished for back then last year still stays valid...

Who knows?